“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.”
--James Earl Jones
I mentioned in another post that I feel like my words have betrayed me. Not because they didn’t mean what I meant them to but because I couldn’t use the vastness of them in my head. There they were, winged, weighty words and none of them were mine. They slipped and rolled around my mouth and all fell short.
It seems to be a habit lately.
There is, at times, an oppressive force. When I begin to spread my wings to soar, I see the thunderclouds rolling in. When I spring to take that leap, I find the water has gone missing in the pool below. I don’t believe these things are happening because I refuse to see the positive. Some things just are. Some things…let’s just say that as I believe in a Higher Authority, so too do I believe in a lesser one.
I’m not so self-centered to believe that all of these issues crop up just to hinder me. I’m simply not that important. It must be that “when it rains, it pours.”
But whatever the reason for the creeping darkness, I find that my one shield has fallen to the side; useless. My words. How often I’ve relied on them to express myself. How deeply I’ve needed them to give voice to both the golden joys and troubled sorrows of my heart. And when I can’t bear much more, I have sought them in my solace. But they’ve turned on me.
When I need them, they have vanished. When I don’t want them, they crowd me with a thousand shrieks that reverberate in my skull. No sound or distraction has silenced them. No threat or plea has tempted them from their hollows.
Even now, when I seek to twist them into explanation, they skitter like dead leaves and I am a skeletal tree. The sky is so far above me, though I reach and reach.
When I would apologize, those words become daggers against my neck. When I would clarify, those words muddle and mire. When I would proffer the deepest whispers of my heart to speak before there is not time left to do so, those words are snakes in my hands and dust through my fingers.
And yet I cherish them all the same. Without them, I feel barren. Though they wound me with their loss or abundance, I still need them. They are my cocoon. I hope to someday be a butterfly.
For now, I’ll just clutch them near and try to decipher them better.
What do you do when your words fail you?
25 comments:
Say stupid things, sadly.
Watch an amazing movie, read a good book, listen to an awesome song. I find my inspiration comes from other forms of art that actually work. And then the creativity is contagious and the juices begin to flow. I LOVE that feeling.
Sorry your kiddos were sick. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I asked you something there, so I'm forcing you to go back!! :)
Oh, it's hard. Words failing feels like such an abandonment, doesn't it? Like they just can't stand me anymore and decide to leave me stranded and hopeless?
I take a break. I keep quiet for a while (This is a skill I don't come by naturally. I generally speak much too much.) and hope the right words will crystalize in there somewhere.
How are the piggie sniffles?
When my words fail me? I call you.
You always seem to know what to say to make it right.
~Houdini
This was beautifully written and I can tell that these words came from somewhere deep and painful inside you.
I have just recently just had this very problem. I couldn't rely on my words, either. They are my safety net when everything else in life has fallen in a shambles. But this time, they weren't my safety net and I panicked. But I just tried not to think of it too much, tried to let it go for awhile and just to focus on other things - good books, spending time with my daughter, resting.
Just remember: this, too, shall pass.
Hmmm, once this fog clears, you and I should be visible to one another since we're in the same place.
One thing that helps is finding others who feel that way. It can be comforting to know you're not alone. But what helps me most is to go outside and take a walk. Alone. With my notebook. Write descriptions, write feelings, dialogue if you hear any, etc. Sometimes I guess it helps me to force myself to see what there is to write about.
I haven't used the right words most of my life.
Your words don't fail you. You are a tremendous writer. Just let them be what they are. Just let it go.
Oh yes. And don't underestimate the power of the dark side and your own potential as a force for good. I think if it's getting hard that means your on the right track.
I say the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person - over and over and swear I'll learn my lesson but never quite do.
Hope you feel more muse-ish soon.
Well, I trip over my words (over and over) of course you know that. =) Stupid wordy words.
But you have some talent with them. You will overcome. =)
Wow. This is just how I feel right now, but didn't have the words to express them. Hang in there! The words will come when you least expect them.
When words fail me...
If I'm writing, I try over and over, a bunch of times until it gets closer to what I'm trying to say. I don't know if there is a secret way of getting it right everytime. To err is human, to keep trying, divine.
Ugh, this is such a hard place to be. The thing that usually works for me is 1) writing something different. An article, a short story, a journal entry, a love letter. Something other than the thing I WANT to write. 2) take a break. is there something else in your life that needs your attention?
And sometimes, there just is no answer. We're just left stranded for awhile. I'm so sorry. Good luck finding your way back.
Are you perhaps trying to revise as you go? I know some authors do that, but I never get far when I do. Reminds me of that great quote from E.B. White about his wife: "The writer in her would put a sentence down; the editor in her would shoot it to death." One writer said when she has writers block, she just turns off her monitor screen and writes stuff like "I don't know what to write," until she does. I'm a firm believer in the crappy first draft that goes where it wants to, even if it isn't where you want it to go. Don't worry if you your words are good enough, just get them down, and then decide if they need to be cut or just revised. Just spilling your frustration can be therapeutic, too.
And your words are lovely, anyway. You always have something to say to make me happy.
And you come over to my blog and say beautiful things to ME?
This post. This raw, beautiful, tight, authentic post. Oh LT!
I weep. Or go to bed with a "cold" when I can't write. I am a mess.
A notebook. A tree. A new pen from the pharmacy. A trip to the library.
An email chat with an online pal?
XO
Words fail me in a sense that they oftentimes cannot express exactly how I'm feeling. Sometimes a look or a touch says even more, if that makes sense. That's what's just a little frustrating about the blogosphere. It's all words and pictures, and sometimes connecting involves so much more than that.
I usually just say nothing, if I don't have the right words. But then I feel bad for saying nothing.
Remember that there are seasons, ebbs and flows to all things in life. Sometimes I don't feel like making music, and other times it's all I can do. That goes for everything I do. Sometimes I have to force myself and the metaphorical "words" aren't there, but it's better than saying nothing, I suppose.
Wow, I love reading your posts. You're so much deeper than me. When my words fail, then I read. Or watch TV. Or something to distract myself from saying/writing something stupid.
When my words fail, I retreat. I pull in away from everything and everyone that I can, unintentionally. Or sometimes, intentionally. I don't write, I don't think too much about it because it makes things worse. I don't want to find the words to even try to share pieces of the cloud that hangs over me.
That's what I do.
I love this post.
((hugs)) They'll come back. You're too gifted for them to be gone for long.
honestly, I take a hot bath and a nap. (if I can) then maybe I do something artisitic, like work on a quilt or scrapbook page. or take a walk outside...that's always a good one for getting the words flowing!
Oh honey, you are important enough. You've no idea how much so.
It is hard to believe that your words are in any way working against you, because you continue to touch my heart in a deep and profound way and I feel that I am the one without proper words to express my feelings.
You touch hearts with every post you write. And when books with your name on them line bookstore shelves some day your reach will extend so far that every agent of darkness will fear the power that you and your quill wield.
I absolutely believe that the "lesser power" you talked about is real and is probably a greater factor in your doubts and insecurities and failings than you could even imagine. I know there are forces working against me, and that makes me all the more determined to write anyway. The harder they push against me, the more important I know my story / stories are.
Hang in there! (((HUGS)))
I eat chocolate. Anything chocolate.
This is such a fantastic post. Obviously your words did not fail you here! Thank you for sharing this. I just loved it.
Ditto Kim. I read this post and was so stunned that I had no reaction.
I throw down my pen in frustration and go somewhere else.
You are fabulous!
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