“Absence from those we love is self from self—a deadly banishment.”
--William Shakespeare
An apt quote if ever there was one. Hi, everyone! I’ve missed you. It’s been a good long while, huh? So let’s talk about that.
I took a break. An understatement, yes? I didn’t plan on it being so long but it’s been good for me. I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to explain my absence and during a conversation with a dear friend, a simple explanation came. I’d lost my true north. It’s easier to do than you think. We get so busy—reading, writing, blogging, twittering, life-ing—and before we know it, we’re all turned around and discombobulated. It felt like there were so many voices filling up my head that I couldn’t hear the baseline that was my own. The only way I knew how to find it was to cut out all the noise and step back. Apparently there’s an echo in my head because that took a while, huh? ;)
While sharing all of this with my friend, she asked me a great question, as is her wonderful, honest way. She asked, “Who do you want to be?”
Wow. Can you see how profound that question is? Not so easy to answer. But when I thought about it, the answer was pretty clear. I wanted to be me. And I wanted to be okay with that. I wanted to be able to breathe and write and stop worrying about how to post something funny or interesting or “writerly” or even “professional.” Do I want to be those things? Yes! But I wanted to be those things honestly. And I lost my honest. I lost my me. I lost my true north.
There are any number of contributing factors that spun my compass all around but I’d rather not delve into them. The fact is, I got lost and it took a while before I could become found. I’ve spotted my star, felt the magnetic pull, and I’m centering myself into the place I need to be. I know who I want to be and the only way to be her is to be honest. So, I thought I’d try this again.
Hi. My name is Laura. I go by L.T. Elliot ‘round the blogosphere and in the writing community. I write fantasy—darker, grittier fantasy that asks and expects deep things from my characters and myself. My target audience is adults and I’m passionate about it. The Young Adult and Middle Grade market is brimming with talent and quality—stories that astound and make us reach for better heights. I want more of that for my genre and believe there’s a lot of it already. I refuse to take the oft-traveled road, even when I think I’m in over my head. I’m not willing to settle and I’m not willing to give up. This is Writer Me.
I swim in the deep end of the pool. Sometimes, I tread water too long and slip beneath the surface. Sometimes, I have help getting pulled under. I have depression—the kind that requires pills and pep talks—and yes, sometimes I’m ashamed of that. I’m trying to deal. I’m trying to believe that it doesn’t define me. I have wonderful friends and family that help me vacation in the shallow end and the best of them will tread alongside me when I can’t make it there. I’m not all dark and troubled waters. I get silly. I ramble. I rave. I love people and work very hard to be real with them. I don’t say things I don’t mean but I’m human and I screw up on occasion. My heart and soul strive for kindness; it is one of the most important things in the world to me. This is Personal Me. You might not like her and that’s okay. I’m learning to like her. I hope to love her someday.
I have twin sons. They are the best people I know. I love them ferociously. I’m married to my best friend, a man I know I don’t deserve but he loves me anyway, and every day with him is a celebration. This is Sacred Me. You might not hear much about this part because, like I said, it’s sacred. Don’t let the silence on this part of me fool you. This part—this part is everything.
This is Me. Not all of me but a lot of me. I’d love to get to know you better and invite you to feel free to kick back, chillax, and chat it out.
Please, tell me about You.
With love,
L.T.
41 comments:
This is a beautiful post.
I really empathise with you, because I get easily lost too.
Granted, getting myself found is an adventure, but I prefer knowing who I am.
I write because it keeps my soul together and alive. If I don't, parts of me dull and die.
My dad is also depressive, and although he takes the meds, he refuses any other sort of help. I find it very frustrating, because he's treading water alone and won't let anyone in.
I think a larg reason why I get lost so easily is because I don't know who I am. People try to push me into neat categories, but I never fit.
I write, but it's only part of me. I lead, but it doesn't define me. I make people unhappy or happy, but that's not why I do things. When it is why I do them, I'm the one that get's hurt. I'm big on self-preservation.
I want to be me too, but I want to find out who that is first.
Sorry for the near novel, but I couldn't get it over my heart to post shorter.
Misha
Hi Laura - good to have you back. Beautiful post. My compass is all mixed up too and I'm still trying to straighten it out. It's actually helped me a lot to turn off comments on my blog posts. I feel like I can be me without worrying what everyone is going to think and say. I've been trying to focus more on my family and I feel like things are good right now. I still have my off days, but it's getting better. thank you for your honesty and your friendship.
Oooo, I like this post. I am happy to get acquainted with you, and you, and you.
I think we all have many sides to us, and that is the part of being human that is hard- reconciling our interests, our goals, etc.
I am a wife, and a mother to 4 sons whom I love dearly. I am a special ed teacher that has discovered a new passion (having put teaching in the public system aside for 18 years to raise my own little students). I am hooked on things that aesthetically grab my interest... interior design, among other things. I am not a writer, except for a pretty decent attempt at NANWRIMO and my blogging. I am a people person. I have iron will-power, which sometimes translates into "stubbornness".
I started reading your blog right when you were beginning your break, so I am glad you are re-entering the arena. DeNae recommends you. :)
Oh how much I've missed you're blog! I'm glad you found your North and your Muse. You inspire me and I'm proud to have you as a sister, but even more so to call you my friend.
Laura, this is a beautiful post. So honest. It's so nice to have you back. I think we all get lost from time to time. You are a great person. Love ya!
What an amazing way to return! Welcome back.
You wonderful woman, I am so lucky to have you in my life. And are we sharing a brain? No, perhaps not. I'm just getting started on my search for true north. But honestly, your description of where you've been could have been written by me - but in the present tense.
For me, my first step is also going to be blogging less. When I'm in a goofy mood, I'll blog. That's the kind of relationship I like to have with my readers, and it's fun and without pressure. But I'm going to really try to eliminate the artificial urgency to blog just for the sake of blogging, and turn my energies to other projects, starting with the "Where's DeNae?" one.
I want to hear about any *cough, cough* other activities that have kept you busy these last few months, so as soon as you can do so, send me an e-mail and fill me in!
Love you!
Nicely put! And thanks for letting me get to know you a little.
I'm so glad you're back! I've missed you!
If you ever feel up for that phone call, just say the word. :)
Hello Laura, nice to 'meet' you.
This post was an excellent way for new readers to get a glimpse of who you are, and probably for you to understand yourself a bit better. That's most important. I should try this someday.
We all get a little lost, Laura, so never feel alone. You sound like you have a wonderful life, with a family and you're doing what you love (writing). So just always concentrate on that whenever those lost feelings return, because they will.
You seem very strong and kind-hearted, so I'm going to follow you. Thanks for opening up :)
Beautiful, reflective and honest. But you've always been all of those things. Thanks for reminding us.
Me- always trying, but never living up to my own high expectations. But never giving up either. That's my life in a nutshell.
Laura, this is the most beautiful thing. I'm so glad you're spreading open your trench coat and enticing us with your wares. ;) What you have to offer is worth my time, worth the "money" I have to spend. YOU, all of you, is worth it.
((hugs))
Oh, man--I could have written just about every word of this.
I plan on taking a break from my blog in November. I'm using NaNo as an excuse, but it's just as much needing to unplug and find myself again.
Here's one more of many people who absolutely adore you.
Hi Laura! I bet you'd be surprised to hear how many people are in the same boat. We're just not so open about it. ((hugs))
I love this post, because I've kind of been struggling with some similar issues. Who I am, who I want to be, and how do I get there.
Right now I'm wearing too many hats and I need to figure out which ones I like wearing, which ones I have to wear and which ones can go to Good will.
Thanks for the post.
Glad you're back!
Welcome back. You have been missed around here. I'm glad you took the time you needed to rediscover yourself. It's something we should all do once in a while. I'm happy you've decided to share more of yourself with others, because anyone would be so so lucky to count you as a dear friend. I know I do. xoxo.
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Dr. Seuss
You are so gifted in so many ways and i have missed your thoughts and your words. Im so glad your back!!!! i like the deep end although ive usually fallen off but im always ready for a swim :) I love you forever!!!
Laura,
I love the you I get to know. :) Glad you're ok. Facing self is grueling, but mostly worth it. I think. Hope you're feeling better.
Wonderful, honest post, LT. I've missed your voice around the blogosphere, but I can understand the need to step away from it for awhile. I think the longest I lasted was a month away from my blog, and it was glorious. I came back refreshed and ready to participate again.
Welcome back!
Good for you.
I just read DeNae's blog, and now reading yours has me really thinking. Thanks for sharing your experience. It is SO easy to get lost in technology and the rest of our busy lives. I'm totally there. Not coping well.
But...I'm Lara. I'm a mom, a wife, a singer, a photographer, a blogger and a person who thinks she can do everything but is finding that she really can't.
See. Laura, this is why I love you. You have the most beautiful way with words, and you have one of the sweetest spirits of anyone I've ever met.
I think all the comments here are a testament to the fact that there are a lot of us (Yes, me included) who are treading in that deep end, sinking under so much of the time. I also have been conspicuously absent from blogland for a while now, but I'm getting back too.
that sacred me? That really is the most important part. Welcome back Laura!
Welcome Back! I think it is hard when we have so much running around in our minds. Lovely post!
Oh, Laura! That was so honest and sweet. I loved it.
I feel lost often too--just trying to do too much and be too much. Much too many "toos"! :o)
My hope is to one day find balance between all the "me's" as well.
Chin up! We're all here when we can be. Long absences are part of being bloggers. We can't live here, so we all understand working on finding that true north!
Cheers,
Jackee
I think getting lost is all too easy to do. I can't even tell you how many times many of my blogger friends has taken a long break like this one, and we all understand. It's so easy to act as others expect of you, rather than as we really are. At the end of the day though, those people expecting things from you don't matter, and they never have. It's up to us to like ourselves. I'm glad your compass is working :)
Yay!!!!!!!!!! I have missed you, and you, and you. Because the Laura I know, I adore!
I'm Eowyn. When can we have lunch?
Great post! Good to have you back, Laura!
Look at all the different faces here, Laura! You're so loved. Honestly. I'm so glad to see ya again. I wish we lived closer so we could spend some time.
Miss you.
*Hugs*
LT, a hug and welcome back, you!
Glad for the seeking the true north. When it is lost, it's a good thing that we can live/crawl/feel/write our way towards it again.
Looking forward to hearing more about your writing and where it's taking you. I'm not willing to settle or give up, either, in that (and twins & other things), we're in it together!
xoxo,
Terresa
I'm Jaime, crazy woman who never stops, who often puts her foot in her mouth, and just does the best she can from hour to hour. :)
Glad to see you back, L.T.
Thank you for this post. I was mostly a lurker, but thought I'd comment.
I'm a mother of three little ones, and love being able to stay home with them. I love my hubby. He has been the most supportive person since I started writing.
I don't have a lot of time to write, but that's okay. My first job is being a mommy and I love it. :)
Laura, you are amazing. I feel your passion and pizzazz! And your honesty. I'm so glad to have you as a friend. :)
LAURA!!! I'm so lad I've gotten to run into you around town. You are a doll and a delight and I loved this post. I think I hit that same thing earlier this spring and with the excuse of summer I took some major time off blogging. It was good to realize the things happening around me and the things I wanted to be important. Wonderful post!
Thank you for this wonderful post. I've been lost before. I'm probably still lost, but just don't realize it. I love that I know more about you. Sometimes when I meet people through their blogs, I feel like I'm not qualified to be friends with them, because I don't actually know much about them. So thank you for sharing. Thank you for being just a person. A real person with real sorrows, real challenges, and real happinesses.
Wow, this a great post - I'm glad I found my way to your blog. I can relate to "losing my true north." I've gotten to the point where I only post when I have an idea that really excites me or thoughts I've been pondering for a while. It was too much for a while there feeling like I had to post on a regular basis and do Twitter too and all the other networking things.
I struggle with depression too. Oh, and I have twin girls! I always love meeting other twins moms. They've actually saved me from wallowing in depression quite a few times.
Finding, recognizing, restructuring the You makes us all love to hear from You. Stepping back is such good exercise, isn't it?
(I'm remembering that my relationships are, in fact, ordered - as in, in particular orders - and that helps me figure/refigure my balance. That's Me.)
I love this little portrait of you.
And I wonder if depression goes hand-in-hand with writing. I wonder if those who feel deeply enough to write are permitted to feel a deep range of emotions in order to capture them all.
I am an artist. All of the same applies.
Twin sons? Wow! That must be wonderful. Are they identical? I keep seeing your name in people's comments and thought I'd check you out. Nice to 'meet' you! :o)
In the time I've known you I've seen many of your yous and have loved every single one of them. I love this opening of you to the world. It's no easy thing when we feel so vulnerable, is it? But what a gift to open up and be embraced and loved for all that we are. You deserve that, and I'm so glad for you (and selfishly, for me) that you're striving for it. I love you so much.
Hello LT
I stumbled upon your blog through Teresa's Waffle House:) I adore this post. I think a lot of people can relate (I can anyway). You just put it so eloquently. Thanks for sharing it!
ps I think Laura is a beautiful name ;)
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