--Author Unknown
A friend of mine asked me a while back why I've kind of "dropped" my blog. We had a good chat about it and she was very understanding and patient. Since then, she has kindly nudged here and there, encouraging me to return to my space and rediscover the use of my voice. This is me, getting the hint. I'm a bit nervous about it but I'm just going to be me. (Well, me with the benefit of time to edit and reflect.)
The last time I posted was Christmastime and even that was recycled. In light of the new year (which isn't so new by now) I could discuss my resolutions but I've nixed that idea. 2010 was sucktastic interspersed with bits of incredible and that year started out with one of the bravest resolutions of my life. I think I tempted fate with it so I'm giving fate the silent treatment for 2011.
I kind of explained my absence with this post and it says a lot of the things I wanted to say and a lot of the things I didn't. In that post, I talked about how a friend asked me who I wanted to be and I thought I answered myself but it's one thing to want something and another thing to be that something. So I've been quiet. I've been reading. I've been watching. And I've discovered that I must suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder or something because I want to be a lot of things.
For example, I want so badly to be more like my friend Kim, who writes deep, heartfelt posts full of honest and brave and beautiful. I don't have words for how I adore her.
I want to be more like Elana, who is hilarious, smart, hip, and in-the-know. And who takes the time to be a true friend--even when she's crazy busy.
I want to have the determination, motivation, and near-fearlessness of Mary, who dares to be real, dares to share, and dares to be herself. She inspires me. She lifts me. She is incredible.
I want Christine's tenacity, zeal, and joy. She exudes emotion--happy or sad, but always authentic. She's a treasure I cherish.
I want the courage, the intelligence, the mindfulness, and beauty that is ali. She's a person I find I can't live without. (Yes, ali, I stalk you.)
I can't think of a time in the last three years that I haven't daily wanted to be more like Carolyn. I've looked up to her for ages but the more I know her, the more I love her. She is literally a friend I've waited my whole life for.
I wish I were half so funny as DeNae or Melanie, as brilliant and warm as Annette, half so kind as Josi and Laura, or as wonderful and refreshing as Becca. I want the fortitude and soul of my friend Houdini. And I could spend hours linking to literally hundreds of other wonderful human beings who exemplify the best traits a person could have.
2010 was sucktastic and I ditched my space because of it but these people and their words are the places I wouldn't leave behind. During the times when I couldn't breathe, I caught my breath with them. For all the words that betrayed me, their words healed me. For the ragged edges of my frayed life, I stitched myself back together with the threads they shared.
I guess that's why I haven't left this place. I'm not all the wonderful things they are but I'm trying to be. I clawed my way back to life in large part because of the perspective I gleaned from others. And I think that's who I want to be more than anything: a person who gives back.
So to all of those I've named and the many I haven't, thank you. You make a bigger difference than you know.
With love,
