"Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth."
--Ludwig Borne
These last three years have seen a lot of change in my life. Not in large, substantial ways like losing a job, moving, or some other proverbial boulder-in-the-pond. Change has come in small things. I often like to say that a large door swings on a small hinge. It is the collection of small hinges that have brought about large changes.
My last several posts have kind of been downers. It's not an intentional thing—other than an intent to keep myself honest in this space. But today, I'd like to think this post is a happier one. I feel like a "happier one."
I've tried to govern my life by a strict sense of rightness. Be kind. Consider another person's feelings. Say good things. Be polite. Use good manners. Keep a tight rein on anger. Go away to cool off. Think it through. Speak diplomatically. And so on. Am I perfect in those things? I'd laugh but you can't hear it through the internet. Many times, I've done the opposite of those things. But when I do, I try to fix it. I ask forgiveness. (I'm a compulsive apologizer.) I work harder the next time to not behave badly. It doesn't mean I'm always successful, but I strive.
But in my desire to be a kinder, more thoughtful person, I forgot that I still have a choice. Kindness doesn't mean being a doormat. Kindness doesn't mean staying in unhealthy relationships. Kindness doesn't mean not being kind to yourself. For years, I let myself be treated badly because I thought I was being a kind person by letting it slide and letting it be okay.
And then something happened in one of those unhealthy relationships three years ago. Things got ugly. Things got rough. My heart was torn open in a way I never knew it could be. I didn't know how I'd make it through. And part of it stemmed from me "trying to be kind."
But time passed and I survived it. The adage "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is ridiculously true. I didn't die and I came out stronger. I came out with the knowledge that I had a choice. I could choose to beg my way back into an unhealthy place to smooth things over. Or I could choose to stand up for myself and say that it's never okay for someone to mistreat you just because they slap the label of "love" over it. Now, let me be clear, I don't claim to be wholly in the right in what happened. I make more than my fair share of mistakes. But neither was I wholly in the wrong.
From that hard experience, I learned things. I learned that I got to choose how deep I jumped in. I learned that I got to draw my own lines. I learned that sometimes saying "No" is a really good thing. Learning those things was great—but learning them didn't immediately translate into practicing them.
Another thing I learned is that change is a hard, hard thing. Hard for me. Hard for people in my life. Hard in general. Resistance is an ugly beast and it will shove you up against the wall and slap you around if you let it. And you can't let up on Resistance or it slaps you around a lot worse than it did before.
I backslid several times before I learned that I was strong enough to hold firm. I backslid a little less when I started pushing against Resistance and telling it exactly where to go. And I'm reaching that place where I'm the one moving forward. And I have to say, it feels so freaking good. It feels good to say, "It's okay to want something." It feels good to say, "I matter, too." It feels good to say, "I get to choose!"
There's a cost for change, though. There's the price of people who don't like change, which can lead to severed ties. There's the price of having to peel back the curtain of what I thought "was" and having to see plainly what "is." There's the price of balancing change against itself and not losing what was good in the first place—and accepting the consequences when I do lose the good. Sometimes I'm in debt. Sometimes my cup runneth over.
These small hinges have closed some doors. Some have swung a little and settled into wider and narrower doorways. And some hinges have opened new doors entirely. What I'm learning right now is that it is my choice which doorways I will walk through and which pathways I will travel.
And right now, that makes me very, very happy.
12 comments:
I have experienced these things and I am in awe of how eloquently you express them. Life is a school and there's no point in going to university if you aren't going to take the hard courses. (That's one that I always like to say). Love you!
All of the things we learn when we come out the other side of difficulties. Wow. I am glad you are more real to yourself, and that your definition
of kindness has appropriately evolved.
Having gone through some similar experiences, I can say that I totally agree. I would not be the person who I am today if I hadn't gone through some of those trials. I think the important thing to remember is that we have to learn from them though (like how you learned to change your definition of kindness).
My problem usually came because I was afraid to say no, and I wanted acceptance. Looking back, I should have stood up for myself. But, I learned a healthier approach to relationships as a result, and that led me to my husband. We wouldn't have the marriage we have now if I hadn't learned.
I kind of wish I couldn't completely relate to this post. Completely. Way to make a choice!
I swear you have been reading my mind. How do you do that?
Thanks for this. Thank you so much for this. I needed to read it today and I will probably read it 10 more times before the day is out.
I am faced with a difficult decision that I need to make sure I factor this into. I needed this reminder.
Change is never easy, even when you know it's for the better. It has often baffled me how I can resist changes I know I really want. Keep at it! I'm glad you are happy.
The problem I think we face in situations like what you're describing is that for so many of us, the last solution we consider is the one that's best for US. "This will cause a rift in the family," or "My speaking up will just create contention, which is sinful so I'll have even BIGGER problems on my hands, like that whole 'going to hell' conundrum" is the kind of thinking that keeps us behind those doors. Like you experienced, sometimes it can take years to get to that "Wait! I matter, too!" stage. Some people never get there at all. I'm so happy you did.
I love this post. I believe choice is our most powerful tool, and also our weakest link. Does that make sense?
I am so, so glad you choose to let me be part of your life. This month I am in your debt, because your words of faith have kept me going through a number of closed doors. You might not even know it, but sometimes your words are nothing short of heroic to me.
And I have to say HOORAY for happiness!
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes. I have recently recognized that epiphany that says, "You don't need to be universally liked." Oh, the freedom. I can do right by ME once in a while, and too bad if someone doesn't like it.
You are a gem. Rare and precious and shiny to me.
I have seen such awesome changes in you. You are one of my favorite people and I'm so glad you have found the power to make those choices. <3
I know I haven't been commenting much, but I do read your posts. Your writing and thoughts are always beautiful. So glad you've learned that being kind doesn't mean you're a doormat. Wish my hubbie could learn that lesson :)
Yay for happy! When you were talking about pulling open the curtain of WAS to see what IS I thought of the Wizard (of course I thought of the Wizard!) and how everyone thought he WAS one thing but it wasn't the truth! But even though he wasn't what everyone expected, there were good things to be found there, too.
:D
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